Never Enough!

Life is an endless battle that I can’t seem to win.

 It is pain and sweat, blood and bones.

 It is crushing my soul slowly with every tomorrow that comes.

It is an endless cycle of struggling through the tomorrows that provokes me and whispers sweet-nothing.

I am burning in the fire of despair and hope.

Hope that I never seem to find.

 I want it to stop and let me lick my wounds.

 I want to keep fighting.

I keep fighting but it is not enough.

It is never enough.

 

I wonder if my life would flash in front of my eye when I die.

I have heard people talk about it and sometimes I wish for it.

It seems so wrong yet it seems right.

Is that all there is to life?

Am I to live this way for all my days.

Trying to hold my broken heart into place.

Trying and failing.

Trying and failing all over again.

I am trying to breathe through the anxiety.

I am shivering and gritting my teeth, willing myself to get a gripe.

“be strong, you can fight it”, is all I can say.

But it is not enough.

It is never enough.

 

I try to remember a day that was without the pain.

I try to remember the happy moment.

But they seem to have vanish in the endless darkness of my soul.

I feel dead on the inside.

Is that how you feel too?

I want to scream for help but would you help me get through?

I feel numb and my throat horsed from all the screaming.

“Help me, help me” is all I say.

But it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Some try but it is not enough.

It is never enough.

 

-grishma.

 

 

NOTE 2

How do you describe a person? Do you mention their hair, their eyes, nose, mouth, height, thin/fat? Does that help us to picture them, picture their character? Does that help us in knowing who they are, or is it just our artificial way of describing someone because we are too shallow or too scared to know the real person behind those layers of deceiving information. Is a human just what his/her features or are we more than that? Are we beyond the illusion of skin, name, face, region, religion?

 

I often wonder that do we know the people with whom we spend our lives with? Our friends, neighbors, family or we just assume who they are. Knowing your best friend’s birthday doesn’t means that you know who that person is. We assume we know, we assume their struggles. ‘we assume’.

 

Everyone like to think of themselves as special, as something good, something right. Someone who is the center of the universe. My life matters, everything that is happening around here is happening for me. Everything is me. We don’t realize that it’s not true. Lies, lies, lies. It’s all we are and all we tell each other and ourselves. Most of us don’t even take time to look at ourselves or some of us are too scared to know of the kind of person they are.

 

 We like to live a life and look at it the way we want and not in a way it is. And what a horrifying place is this? Everyone is trying to be good for themselves. Looking after themselves, drenched in our feeling to even try understand others. Always looking at our goodwill and how someone is doing wrong to us but too scared to see what we are doing to others. My problem is huge. Others shouldn’t have problem with having their minimal, non-existing problems.

 

It’s all just about me, me, me.

-the_invisible_girls_dream

 ==>     A little bit of me.    <==

follow me on Instagram @the_invisible_girls_dream

 

 

 

 

A little bit of me.

Some people think that I’m crazy to have such huge dreams and the wait to get till there or for it to just start is painful. Sometimes I think I’m crazy too, to think that I can do it. Well, maybe I’m crazy. Do I have enough strength to make it? Can I do it? Maybe I’m just doubting myself because my anxiety is killing me but trust me I want to do it but when the deadline gets close, I start feeling like that I’m just up in my head. It’s scary to have so many dreams and then just have constantly keep doubting my own abilities.

So then I decided that maybe I should just start believing in myself and start with giving myself some ‘me’ time and do what I’m meant to do. I should start with giving my talent a shot. Start focusing on me more and stop worrying constantly about what people are going to think about me. Sometimes it gets hard to just be me and I keep pretending to like a few things because that’s normal. That what’s my friends and the young people around me are doing.

I just need to stop pretending and start living “me”. Maybe that is what you need to do if you like me are in a constant loop of trying to please everyone else and just losing yourself in the process.

A Man.

A man he was, who had to hide his pain.

‘Why?’, you ask; because society said!

‘Be a man, stay strong.’ Is all he hears.

With tired eyes and drenched in fear,

Tell me how will he move on?

 

For all the wicked dreams’,

Telling him the same thing,

Over and over the agony.

To the broken pieces and the shattered dream,

He is a man in his fifties.

 

I see him in all,

 at my place or in the crowd.

I feel his pain,

The blood and tears unsaid.

 ‘But he is strong’, they say.

 

Shivering I see,

Gritting I hear,

His struggle is clear.

But what do I say to all these blind eyes?

how do I explain this ache inside?

 

It feels like losing a war, you’ve never fought.

When your heart drops ten meters in your guts.

I am screaming while sinking into the quicksand.

There is no exit but hope is all I have,

‘Stop acting like a girl’, is what they say.

 

‘Aren’t we all just humans?’ he questions.

‘Is my fear so supernatural?’.

‘Am I not supposed to have feelings?’.

‘Should I always be the one silently weeping’.

 

 

He is tired, scared and disgusted of the same notion.

He wants to give up, jump off.

Leave behind the pain forever.

He is done with all the pushing,

Twisting a knife is easy,

 

All these thoughts swirling around,

‘Enough is enough’, he says.

‘I will not endure this anymore’.

‘I will not die every second that I live’.

‘I will conquer or let go because forever seems like a long road’.

 

 

grishma

 

 

 

 

 

Happiness!

Happiness!

 

The questions that bothers me immensely about happiness is, ‘how does one becomes happy?’. Don’t get me wrong I know how being happy feels like but it doesn’t seem to come as naturally to me as it seems to come to most of the people I know. I wish I could will it to my liking so won’t have to be experience down as much as I feel and maybe I won’t even be so depressed.

I see a few of friend going through the same stuff as I do and I am so lost for words when I try to console them because the things that people say to a person who is not going through the best time of their life are just plain stupid. ‘It gets better’, NO!!! It doesn’t. Things just don’t magically become alright. ‘It just a phase’, trust me it is not. You have no idea how it feels to live with it for the better half of your life.

According to my experience, there is only one solution. Now this solution might sound dramatic, cruel or just crazy. At first it might even be more painful than easy but trust be works. By works, I mean in a way that it would help you function in the world without looking like a crazy person.

The key is to fake it till you make it. Yes, this phrase may sound very idiotic but trust it is not. It has helped me somewhat overcome my battles. I get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror and just pretend to be happy. I try to smile the biggest smile there is. I try to see myself as a happy person and maybe at first I might have just started crying instead of being happy. But day by day it gets better. It gets less and less painful and voila! You have learned the art of pretending.

 

-grishma

The poison called love.

In the matters of love and crap I was never the one to be open or approachable about it. I was always way to shy and way to giving. I would sacrifice my crush for my friend or maybe just because the person I like, likes someone else. I never knew how to be approachable and eventually I just gave up. I focused on my larger than life sized dreams. 

But every now and then I look around and see my friends cuddling with their respective others and I start to feel like how lonely I am or might I say how lovely I have been all my life. How detached I’m to everyone and everything. Honestly, I don’t even realize that when most of the times I go out with my friends that I almost certainly am just third wheeling. For the most of the time though I am just so up in my head that I never even seem be a tiny bit bothered by it or the fact that I might But maybe for once I’d like to be special to someone and not just be invisible all the god dammit time. I’d like to feel that connect of trust and have a healthy commitment to another humam. To love and to be loved. To share my pizza with.

But you know why all these things are not possible for me? Because I’m scared. I’m scared of humans and scared of what a person can to me. The sense of being week and venerable all the time. Knowing that this one person could have immense power over you, this one little substance of the universe could break your whole soul into million pieces and healing was never my strongest pursuit, So I just eventually gave up because this feeling of euphoria comes at a greater cost of being lost forever in the abyss of darkness called love. 

           -the_invisible_girls_dream

 https://theinvisiblegirlsdream.wordpress.com/2017/04/16/note-2/

note.

I was invisible.

Or I guess I still am.

Maybe I’ll always be.

I think I am to blame for it. You know because I can’t just make friends or get attached to them because I am too scared to get hurt. Sometimes I wish someone would just get it and make it all better because I am tired of being my own hero. It’s too much, I can’t keep fighting anymore and I keep waiting for it to get better but it never does. I am just tired.

-grishma

Failure.

 

In this world everyone wants to be successful and failure is frowned upon and considered as a disgrace. People don’t usually realize that failure in life is as important as success, recently I have experienced failure and I am a type of a person who has always been so scared of failing in life that I always preferred dying over it, which is extreme but it is the truth of the world we live in these days. Failing is a sin. Everyone you know or might not even know will try to put you down when you fail, whatever you might have failed in. There are very few people who would help you through it and encourage you. It’s like a taboo. The more you feel ashamed of it the more you will suffer and would never come up from it.

But the best way to deal with it is to own it. You need own failure like you would own your victory, embrace it and make the best out of it. It might seem like the end of your world but trust me it isn’t. There are a lot of things out there that could be worse than it. There are so many people who go worse situation worse than it. Nobody tells you that failure teaches you much more than what success ever could. It is a setback, a milestone and not a forbidden sin. Failure helps you to come back out stronger and wiser.

Life has become a race and not a journey where you could learn from your mistakes, there is just no room for mistakes anymore. If you are or have experienced failure just know that it’s not a big deal and your life is not done, all you have to do is learn from it and use it in a way that could bring you more ‘success’ than success could ever do. No matter what anyone says to you, you are still worth it and you can still make it.

– the_invisible_girl’s_dream

insta : the_invisible_girls_dream

A note to the person I once considered my bestfriend.

I’ve had quite a few best friend’s growing up and one of them left behind a permanent stain on my heart and my constant struggle of trying to replace that person, fill up the gapping hole in my heart. Since then I met quite a few people and by that I mean two. The first one and I, we kind off fell apart and that was maybe we didn’t really have much in common or I just desperately wanted someone to be there for me and that person was my only chance. I mean I am still friends with that person but maybe we are just not close enough that I could share my sorrows. But none the less I still love that human piece of shit for sticking up for me when no one did.
The next one was like a new hope that maybe this person would make a difference but the thing about me is that I am damaged. I am depressed and bipolar and no I don’t choose to be this, it is a disease that is totally out of my control. I don’t know when I would flip a switch and snap back at you, not in a harsh way but maybe just in a small fit that might not even be relevant enough. Some people just can’t seem to understand that or they have too big of an ego to understand the situation and not accuse me of treating you like trash because trust me when I say that I didn’t treat you like trash I mean it. I know it when I treat people like trash and I am quite sure that I would have apologised greatly for my behaviour from my heart no matter how badly I must have snapped at you but really that’s besides the point. And no where this could have been a reason for you to cut me off from your life. People fight over bigger shit and still remain friends.
When you consider someone as your best friend you love the good as well as their dark side. Nobody is perfect, you need to understand that. You can’t just let go of a person you once thought was your bff just because you might have seen their dark side a bit. That’s not what friendship  is about. Friendship is loving the Flaws of your supposed friend as much as you love their good things.
I learn quite a lot every time I meet New people and some of them push me to through the edge. I might have not taken this reaction of this person very elegantly and done some things that would be poisonous to myself, the things and feelings I left behind years ago but I really can’t control it. I just really want to say is that please don’t make someone your bff or close friend if you’re not going to love them for who they are.

PS no offence to anyone.