In the matters of love and crap I was never the one to be open or approachable about it. I was always way to shy and way to giving. I would sacrifice my crush for my friend or maybe just because the person I like, likes someone else. I never knew how to be approachable and eventually I just gave up. I focused on my larger than life sized dreams.
But every now and then I look around and see my friends cuddling with their respective others and I start to feel like how lonely I am or might I say how lovely I have been all my life. How detached I’m to everyone and everything. Honestly, I don’t even realize that when most of the times I go out with my friends that I almost certainly am just third wheeling. For the most of the time though I am just so up in my head that I never even seem be a tiny bit bothered by it or the fact that I might But maybe for once I’d like to be special to someone and not just be invisible all the god dammit time. I’d like to feel that connect of trust and have a healthy commitment to another humam. To love and to be loved. To share my pizza with.
But you know why all these things are not possible for me? Because I’m scared. I’m scared of humans and scared of what a person can to me. The sense of being week and venerable all the time. Knowing that this one person could have immense power over you, this one little substance of the universe could break your whole soul into million pieces and healing was never my strongest pursuit, So I just eventually gave up because this feeling of euphoria comes at a greater cost of being lost forever in the abyss of darkness called love.