The poison called love.

In the matters of love and crap I was never the one to be open or approachable about it. I was always way to shy and way to giving. I would sacrifice my crush for my friend or maybe just because the person I like, likes someone else. I never knew how to be approachable and eventually I just gave up. I focused on my larger than life sized dreams. 

But every now and then I look around and see my friends cuddling with their respective others and I start to feel like how lonely I am or might I say how lovely I have been all my life. How detached I’m to everyone and everything. Honestly, I don’t even realize that when most of the times I go out with my friends that I almost certainly am just third wheeling. For the most of the time though I am just so up in my head that I never even seem be a tiny bit bothered by it or the fact that I might But maybe for once I’d like to be special to someone and not just be invisible all the god dammit time. I’d like to feel that connect of trust and have a healthy commitment to another humam. To love and to be loved. To share my pizza with.

But you know why all these things are not possible for me? Because I’m scared. I’m scared of humans and scared of what a person can to me. The sense of being week and venerable all the time. Knowing that this one person could have immense power over you, this one little substance of the universe could break your whole soul into million pieces and healing was never my strongest pursuit, So I just eventually gave up because this feeling of euphoria comes at a greater cost of being lost forever in the abyss of darkness called love. 

           -the_invisible_girls_dream

 https://theinvisiblegirlsdream.wordpress.com/2017/04/16/note-2/

NOTE 2

How do you describe a person? Do you mention their hair, their eyes, nose, mouth, height, thin/fat? Does that help us to picture them, picture their character? Does that help us in knowing who they are, or is it just our artificial way of describing someone because we are too shallow or too scared to know the real person behind those layers of deceiving information. Is a human just what his/her features or are we more than that? Are we beyond the illusion of skin, name, face, region, religion?

 

I often wonder that do we know the people with whom we spend our lives with? Our friends, neighbors, family or we just assume who they are. Knowing your best friend’s birthday doesn’t means that you know who that person is. We assume we know, we assume their struggles. ‘we assume’.

 

Everyone like to think of themselves as special, as something good, something right. Someone who is the center of the universe. My life matters, everything that is happening around here is happening for me. Everything is me. We don’t realize that it’s not true. Lies, lies, lies. It’s all we are and all we tell each other and ourselves. Most of us don’t even take time to look at ourselves or some of us are too scared to know of the kind of person they are.

 

 We like to live a life and look at it the way we want and not in a way it is. And what a horrifying place is this? Everyone is trying to be good for themselves. Looking after themselves, drenched in our feeling to even try understand others. Always looking at our goodwill and how someone is doing wrong to us but too scared to see what we are doing to others. My problem is huge. Others shouldn’t have problem with having their minimal, non-existing problems.

 

It’s all just about me, me, me.

-the_invisible_girls_dream

 ==>     A little bit of me.    <==

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A little bit of me.

Some people think that I’m crazy to have such huge dreams and the wait to get till there or for it to just start is painful. Sometimes I think I’m crazy too, to think that I can do it. Well, maybe I’m crazy. Do I have enough strength to make it? Can I do it? Maybe I’m just doubting myself because my anxiety is killing me but trust me I want to do it but when the deadline gets close, I start feeling like that I’m just up in my head. It’s scary to have so many dreams and then just have constantly keep doubting my own abilities.

So then I decided that maybe I should just start believing in myself and start with giving myself some ‘me’ time and do what I’m meant to do. I should start with giving my talent a shot. Start focusing on me more and stop worrying constantly about what people are going to think about me. Sometimes it gets hard to just be me and I keep pretending to like a few things because that’s normal. That what’s my friends and the young people around me are doing.

I just need to stop pretending and start living “me”. Maybe that is what you need to do if you like me are in a constant loop of trying to please everyone else and just losing yourself in the process.

note.

I was invisible.

Or I guess I still am.

Maybe I’ll always be.

I think I am to blame for it. You know because I can’t just make friends or get attached to them because I am too scared to get hurt. Sometimes I wish someone would just get it and make it all better because I am tired of being my own hero. It’s too much, I can’t keep fighting anymore and I keep waiting for it to get better but it never does. I am just tired.

-grishma

Failure.

 

In this world everyone wants to be successful and failure is frowned upon and considered as a disgrace. People don’t usually realize that failure in life is as important as success, recently I have experienced failure and I am a type of a person who has always been so scared of failing in life that I always preferred dying over it, which is extreme but it is the truth of the world we live in these days. Failing is a sin. Everyone you know or might not even know will try to put you down when you fail, whatever you might have failed in. There are very few people who would help you through it and encourage you. It’s like a taboo. The more you feel ashamed of it the more you will suffer and would never come up from it.

But the best way to deal with it is to own it. You need own failure like you would own your victory, embrace it and make the best out of it. It might seem like the end of your world but trust me it isn’t. There are a lot of things out there that could be worse than it. There are so many people who go worse situation worse than it. Nobody tells you that failure teaches you much more than what success ever could. It is a setback, a milestone and not a forbidden sin. Failure helps you to come back out stronger and wiser.

Life has become a race and not a journey where you could learn from your mistakes, there is just no room for mistakes anymore. If you are or have experienced failure just know that it’s not a big deal and your life is not done, all you have to do is learn from it and use it in a way that could bring you more ‘success’ than success could ever do. No matter what anyone says to you, you are still worth it and you can still make it.

– the_invisible_girl’s_dream

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How deep is your trust?

So there are times in your life when you go through this weird phase or moment where the people you love and trust the most might act up in a weird and revolting way by which they might hurt you and sabotage you’re trust complete.

This could literally happen to anyone and everyone reacts to it in a totally different way. In my situation, I act in a very negative way. For me trust is everything and if you break it, you might as well be dead for me. Forgiving someone is not in my nature and people keep asking me ‘why?’. They genuinely think that it’s stupid and unreasonably, that I try to create a big mess out of a small itty-bitty feud.

But for me it’s kind off like an defence mechanisms. I can’t forgive you and I can’t forget it. I can’t let it go and yes, I would distant myself from you because I don’t want to take any risks and maybe trust you again for you to fuck it over again. Yes, I know it might be immature and childish or whatever the hell you think it is. You have to understand everyone react differently according to their nature and past experiences.

And if you never really meant to hurt me in the way you did and are sorry for it then it’s best to give it some time and show that you are sorry rather than repeating it over and over by apologizing.

But hey, if you are lucky you might have a friend who is a bit more kinder then I am and might just forgive you in one go and if not then… well…

 

-THE_INVISIBLE_GIRL’S_DREAM.

 

PS  – Not trying to offend anyone with this post. XO

Relationship < Ego

At this point in my life each and every one of my friend is dating and I am literally the only one who is not interested in it.  I mean dating nowadays feels like a show of power more than love and affection. I am not a person who likes to live by the rules of others. I see my female friends asking for permissions of their boyfriends for silly things. I mean why? He is not your parent and he is definitely not the one who pays for your basic needs. You are your own self.  I disagree with this whole business, it’s the 21th century in which we talk about how women are becoming independent and you guys are still living under the rule of a stupid teenage boy. I mean you are his partner, his equal and not his pet dog.

I think a good relationship is when your partner understands and respects your choices and doesn’t try to tie you down.  A person who respects you enough to trust in your decision making power. That is what love is all about. Pushing each other to do better in their life rather than binding them to your wipe just so you could get the satisfaction of a boosted ego.  I have seen girls who understand this simple rule and yet they still follow what he says like a trained dog.

And sometimes you see this scenario in guys; they follow the orders of their girlfriends without even thinking logically about it like a blind guy. Some of them are so smitten that they don’t even realize what’s right and what’s wrong.  I mean, use your godammit brains people. Stop living under someone’s shadow and find a person who is strong enough to respect your life as much as he/she respects their own. Peace out.

 

THE_INVISIBLE_GIRL’S_DREAM.

Why are woman always considered as “whores” and not men?

When people say they believe in equality, they don’t really realize what equality means. Yes, I would agree to a fact that people in our society are a little more open minded and unorthodox then before when it comes to the issue of women rights but that doesn’t means that we are still there. One of the most basic example that we all as teenagers see in our day to day life is when a boy dates too many girls and has any type of sexual relationship with them then he is considered “cool”, “stud”, etc, etc. why isn’t he deemed as a slut or a whore. But if in his place it’s a woman then she is named as many as unholy words that are there in the universe.

I mean if you talk about equality then where is your equality in such cases. Why is the female always blamed for everything. And don’t pretend and be like, “I never thought that a boy who is basically a playboy is hot and a girl who is a “playgirl is a slut”. I mean it’s a stereotype in our society. But I think it is our responsibility to change this because we are the future. It is us who need to change such mistakes, to change such stereotypes and teach equality in a better way. I don’t mean that being a playboy or anything is a good thing. I mean, “Get a life dude, there is so much to life than just sex”.  But in a certain age we all do it. All of us make mistake that we regret and that’s life but labeling someone with such cruel tags for such tribal reason because they belong to certain gender, caste, religion, etc is not right. I hope you all would just spread some love. Peace out.

– THE_INVISIBLE_GIRL’S_DREAM.

 

PS : FOLLOW ME ON INSTA @the_invisible_girls_dream

 

Those bad days.

                                                                   Do you have those horrible days when you don’t want to do anything at all?  It feels like everything is falling apart and all you want to do is curl up in your bed. You don’t want to interact with anyone or have any kind of social relationship. You just want to cry and cry until this horrible feeling goes away.  You just want to stay in your personal bubble because everything else is just annoying the shit out of you.  You don’t even know what’s wrong with you but you just know that it’s not a very pleasant kind of a feeling.  You just feeling extremely numb and like you could just break any possible second.

 

                                                                  Personally I have been through it a lot of times than I’ll like to admit. I have had it for days or sometimes a whole month but I think it’s maybe because at some point in my life I was extremely depressed. Depression is a struggle much like being a drug addict is. It’s like it never truly goes away and any small irrelevant thing could trigger it back.  It could lead to allot of things like self-harm and so on. It makes you so much angry, you don’t even know where this anger is coming from but it’s there and you don’t have a way of getting rid of it. So the only possible way you find is self-harm. It’s definitely a bad thing but most people don’t understand how bad it could be. People think its funny but it’s not.

 

                                                                          The only way you could get out this by thinking about happy memories, try to paint a possible happy future for yourself. You can also joint therapy or whatever you think is bed for you. You just need to have hope. Hope is a very strong feeling could get you through all the possible difficult times in your life. Believe in yourself and learn to love yourself.

-THE_INVISIBLE_GIRL’S_DREAM.

PS: If you need someone to talk to you can email me -kalotegrishma@gmail.com . I would love to help you out.

PSS:  FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM  @the_invisible_girls_dream