Happiness!

Happiness!

 

The questions that bothers me immensely about happiness is, ‘how does one becomes happy?’. Don’t get me wrong I know how being happy feels like but it doesn’t seem to come as naturally to me as it seems to come to most of the people I know. I wish I could will it to my liking so won’t have to be experience down as much as I feel and maybe I won’t even be so depressed.

I see a few of friend going through the same stuff as I do and I am so lost for words when I try to console them because the things that people say to a person who is not going through the best time of their life are just plain stupid. ‘It gets better’, NO!!! It doesn’t. Things just don’t magically become alright. ‘It just a phase’, trust me it is not. You have no idea how it feels to live with it for the better half of your life.

According to my experience, there is only one solution. Now this solution might sound dramatic, cruel or just crazy. At first it might even be more painful than easy but trust be works. By works, I mean in a way that it would help you function in the world without looking like a crazy person.

The key is to fake it till you make it. Yes, this phrase may sound very idiotic but trust it is not. It has helped me somewhat overcome my battles. I get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror and just pretend to be happy. I try to smile the biggest smile there is. I try to see myself as a happy person and maybe at first I might have just started crying instead of being happy. But day by day it gets better. It gets less and less painful and voila! You have learned the art of pretending.

 

-grishma

Never Enough!

Life is an endless battle that I can’t seem to win.

 It is pain and sweat, blood and bones.

 It is crushing my soul slowly with every tomorrow that comes.

It is an endless cycle of struggling through the tomorrows that provokes me and whispers sweet-nothing.

I am burning in the fire of despair and hope.

Hope that I never seem to find.

 I want it to stop and let me lick my wounds.

 I want to keep fighting.

I keep fighting but it is not enough.

It is never enough.

 

I wonder if my life would flash in front of my eye when I die.

I have heard people talk about it and sometimes I wish for it.

It seems so wrong yet it seems right.

Is that all there is to life?

Am I to live this way for all my days.

Trying to hold my broken heart into place.

Trying and failing.

Trying and failing all over again.

I am trying to breathe through the anxiety.

I am shivering and gritting my teeth, willing myself to get a gripe.

“be strong, you can fight it”, is all I can say.

But it is not enough.

It is never enough.

 

I try to remember a day that was without the pain.

I try to remember the happy moment.

But they seem to have vanish in the endless darkness of my soul.

I feel dead on the inside.

Is that how you feel too?

I want to scream for help but would you help me get through?

I feel numb and my throat horsed from all the screaming.

“Help me, help me” is all I say.

But it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Some try but it is not enough.

It is never enough.

 

-grishma.

 

 

The poison called love.

In the matters of love and crap I was never the one to be open or approachable about it. I was always way to shy and way to giving. I would sacrifice my crush for my friend or maybe just because the person I like, likes someone else. I never knew how to be approachable and eventually I just gave up. I focused on my larger than life sized dreams. 

But every now and then I look around and see my friends cuddling with their respective others and I start to feel like how lonely I am or might I say how lovely I have been all my life. How detached I’m to everyone and everything. Honestly, I don’t even realize that when most of the times I go out with my friends that I almost certainly am just third wheeling. For the most of the time though I am just so up in my head that I never even seem be a tiny bit bothered by it or the fact that I might But maybe for once I’d like to be special to someone and not just be invisible all the god dammit time. I’d like to feel that connect of trust and have a healthy commitment to another humam. To love and to be loved. To share my pizza with.

But you know why all these things are not possible for me? Because I’m scared. I’m scared of humans and scared of what a person can to me. The sense of being week and venerable all the time. Knowing that this one person could have immense power over you, this one little substance of the universe could break your whole soul into million pieces and healing was never my strongest pursuit, So I just eventually gave up because this feeling of euphoria comes at a greater cost of being lost forever in the abyss of darkness called love. 

           -the_invisible_girls_dream

 https://theinvisiblegirlsdream.wordpress.com/2017/04/16/note-2/

NOTE 2

How do you describe a person? Do you mention their hair, their eyes, nose, mouth, height, thin/fat? Does that help us to picture them, picture their character? Does that help us in knowing who they are, or is it just our artificial way of describing someone because we are too shallow or too scared to know the real person behind those layers of deceiving information. Is a human just what his/her features or are we more than that? Are we beyond the illusion of skin, name, face, region, religion?

 

I often wonder that do we know the people with whom we spend our lives with? Our friends, neighbors, family or we just assume who they are. Knowing your best friend’s birthday doesn’t means that you know who that person is. We assume we know, we assume their struggles. ‘we assume’.

 

Everyone like to think of themselves as special, as something good, something right. Someone who is the center of the universe. My life matters, everything that is happening around here is happening for me. Everything is me. We don’t realize that it’s not true. Lies, lies, lies. It’s all we are and all we tell each other and ourselves. Most of us don’t even take time to look at ourselves or some of us are too scared to know of the kind of person they are.

 

 We like to live a life and look at it the way we want and not in a way it is. And what a horrifying place is this? Everyone is trying to be good for themselves. Looking after themselves, drenched in our feeling to even try understand others. Always looking at our goodwill and how someone is doing wrong to us but too scared to see what we are doing to others. My problem is huge. Others shouldn’t have problem with having their minimal, non-existing problems.

 

It’s all just about me, me, me.

-the_invisible_girls_dream

 ==>     A little bit of me.    <==

follow me on Instagram @the_invisible_girls_dream

 

 

 

 

A little bit of me.

Some people think that I’m crazy to have such huge dreams and the wait to get till there or for it to just start is painful. Sometimes I think I’m crazy too, to think that I can do it. Well, maybe I’m crazy. Do I have enough strength to make it? Can I do it? Maybe I’m just doubting myself because my anxiety is killing me but trust me I want to do it but when the deadline gets close, I start feeling like that I’m just up in my head. It’s scary to have so many dreams and then just have constantly keep doubting my own abilities.

So then I decided that maybe I should just start believing in myself and start with giving myself some ‘me’ time and do what I’m meant to do. I should start with giving my talent a shot. Start focusing on me more and stop worrying constantly about what people are going to think about me. Sometimes it gets hard to just be me and I keep pretending to like a few things because that’s normal. That what’s my friends and the young people around me are doing.

I just need to stop pretending and start living “me”. Maybe that is what you need to do if you like me are in a constant loop of trying to please everyone else and just losing yourself in the process.

note.

I was invisible.

Or I guess I still am.

Maybe I’ll always be.

I think I am to blame for it. You know because I can’t just make friends or get attached to them because I am too scared to get hurt. Sometimes I wish someone would just get it and make it all better because I am tired of being my own hero. It’s too much, I can’t keep fighting anymore and I keep waiting for it to get better but it never does. I am just tired.

-grishma

Failure.

 

In this world everyone wants to be successful and failure is frowned upon and considered as a disgrace. People don’t usually realize that failure in life is as important as success, recently I have experienced failure and I am a type of a person who has always been so scared of failing in life that I always preferred dying over it, which is extreme but it is the truth of the world we live in these days. Failing is a sin. Everyone you know or might not even know will try to put you down when you fail, whatever you might have failed in. There are very few people who would help you through it and encourage you. It’s like a taboo. The more you feel ashamed of it the more you will suffer and would never come up from it.

But the best way to deal with it is to own it. You need own failure like you would own your victory, embrace it and make the best out of it. It might seem like the end of your world but trust me it isn’t. There are a lot of things out there that could be worse than it. There are so many people who go worse situation worse than it. Nobody tells you that failure teaches you much more than what success ever could. It is a setback, a milestone and not a forbidden sin. Failure helps you to come back out stronger and wiser.

Life has become a race and not a journey where you could learn from your mistakes, there is just no room for mistakes anymore. If you are or have experienced failure just know that it’s not a big deal and your life is not done, all you have to do is learn from it and use it in a way that could bring you more ‘success’ than success could ever do. No matter what anyone says to you, you are still worth it and you can still make it.

– the_invisible_girl’s_dream

insta : the_invisible_girls_dream

How deep is your trust?

So there are times in your life when you go through this weird phase or moment where the people you love and trust the most might act up in a weird and revolting way by which they might hurt you and sabotage you’re trust complete.

This could literally happen to anyone and everyone reacts to it in a totally different way. In my situation, I act in a very negative way. For me trust is everything and if you break it, you might as well be dead for me. Forgiving someone is not in my nature and people keep asking me ‘why?’. They genuinely think that it’s stupid and unreasonably, that I try to create a big mess out of a small itty-bitty feud.

But for me it’s kind off like an defence mechanisms. I can’t forgive you and I can’t forget it. I can’t let it go and yes, I would distant myself from you because I don’t want to take any risks and maybe trust you again for you to fuck it over again. Yes, I know it might be immature and childish or whatever the hell you think it is. You have to understand everyone react differently according to their nature and past experiences.

And if you never really meant to hurt me in the way you did and are sorry for it then it’s best to give it some time and show that you are sorry rather than repeating it over and over by apologizing.

But hey, if you are lucky you might have a friend who is a bit more kinder then I am and might just forgive you in one go and if not then… well…

 

-THE_INVISIBLE_GIRL’S_DREAM.

 

PS  – Not trying to offend anyone with this post. XO

Relationship < Ego

At this point in my life each and every one of my friend is dating and I am literally the only one who is not interested in it.  I mean dating nowadays feels like a show of power more than love and affection. I am not a person who likes to live by the rules of others. I see my female friends asking for permissions of their boyfriends for silly things. I mean why? He is not your parent and he is definitely not the one who pays for your basic needs. You are your own self.  I disagree with this whole business, it’s the 21th century in which we talk about how women are becoming independent and you guys are still living under the rule of a stupid teenage boy. I mean you are his partner, his equal and not his pet dog.

I think a good relationship is when your partner understands and respects your choices and doesn’t try to tie you down.  A person who respects you enough to trust in your decision making power. That is what love is all about. Pushing each other to do better in their life rather than binding them to your wipe just so you could get the satisfaction of a boosted ego.  I have seen girls who understand this simple rule and yet they still follow what he says like a trained dog.

And sometimes you see this scenario in guys; they follow the orders of their girlfriends without even thinking logically about it like a blind guy. Some of them are so smitten that they don’t even realize what’s right and what’s wrong.  I mean, use your godammit brains people. Stop living under someone’s shadow and find a person who is strong enough to respect your life as much as he/she respects their own. Peace out.

 

THE_INVISIBLE_GIRL’S_DREAM.