Some people think that I’m crazy to have such huge dreams and the wait to get till there or for it to just start is painful. Sometimes I think I’m crazy too, to think that I can do it. Well, maybe I’m crazy. Do I have enough strength to make it? Can I do it? Maybe I’m just doubting myself because my anxiety is killing me but trust me I want to do it but when the deadline gets close, I start feeling like that I’m just up in my head. It’s scary to have so many dreams and then just have constantly keep doubting my own abilities.
So then I decided that maybe I should just start believing in myself and start with giving myself some ‘me’ time and do what I’m meant to do. I should start with giving my talent a shot. Start focusing on me more and stop worrying constantly about what people are going to think about me. Sometimes it gets hard to just be me and I keep pretending to like a few things because that’s normal. That what’s my friends and the young people around me are doing.
I just need to stop pretending and start living “me”. Maybe that is what you need to do if you like me are in a constant loop of trying to please everyone else and just losing yourself in the process.
I was invisible.
Or I guess I still am.
Maybe I’ll always be.
I think I am to blame for it. You know because I can’t just make friends or get attached to them because I am too scared to get hurt. Sometimes I wish someone would just get it and make it all better because I am tired of being my own hero. It’s too much, I can’t keep fighting anymore and I keep waiting for it to get better but it never does. I am just tired.
In this world everyone wants to be successful and failure is frowned upon and considered as a disgrace. People don’t usually realize that failure in life is as important as success, recently I have experienced failure and I am a type of a person who has always been so scared of failing in life that I always preferred dying over it, which is extreme but it is the truth of the world we live in these days. Failing is a sin. Everyone you know or might not even know will try to put you down when you fail, whatever you might have failed in. There are very few people who would help you through it and encourage you. It’s like a taboo. The more you feel ashamed of it the more you will suffer and would never come up from it.
But the best way to deal with it is to own it. You need own failure like you would own your victory, embrace it and make the best out of it. It might seem like the end of your world but trust me it isn’t. There are a lot of things out there that could be worse than it. There are so many people who go worse situation worse than it. Nobody tells you that failure teaches you much more than what success ever could. It is a setback, a milestone and not a forbidden sin. Failure helps you to come back out stronger and wiser.
Life has become a race and not a journey where you could learn from your mistakes, there is just no room for mistakes anymore. If you are or have experienced failure just know that it’s not a big deal and your life is not done, all you have to do is learn from it and use it in a way that could bring you more ‘success’ than success could ever do. No matter what anyone says to you, you are still worth it and you can still make it.
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I’ve had quite a few best friend’s growing up and one of them left behind a permanent stain on my heart and my constant struggle of trying to replace that person, fill up the gapping hole in my heart. Since then I met quite a few people and by that I mean two. The first one and I, we kind off fell apart and that was maybe we didn’t really have much in common or I just desperately wanted someone to be there for me and that person was my only chance. I mean I am still friends with that person but maybe we are just not close enough that I could share my sorrows. But none the less I still love that human piece of shit for sticking up for me when no one did.
The next one was like a new hope that maybe this person would make a difference but the thing about me is that I am damaged. I am depressed and bipolar and no I don’t choose to be this, it is a disease that is totally out of my control. I don’t know when I would flip a switch and snap back at you, not in a harsh way but maybe just in a small fit that might not even be relevant enough. Some people just can’t seem to understand that or they have too big of an ego to understand the situation and not accuse me of treating you like trash because trust me when I say that I didn’t treat you like trash I mean it. I know it when I treat people like trash and I am quite sure that I would have apologised greatly for my behaviour from my heart no matter how badly I must have snapped at you but really that’s besides the point. And no where this could have been a reason for you to cut me off from your life. People fight over bigger shit and still remain friends.
When you consider someone as your best friend you love the good as well as their dark side. Nobody is perfect, you need to understand that. You can’t just let go of a person you once thought was your bff just because you might have seen their dark side a bit. That’s not what friendship is about. Friendship is loving the Flaws of your supposed friend as much as you love their good things.
I learn quite a lot every time I meet New people and some of them push me to through the edge. I might have not taken this reaction of this person very elegantly and done some things that would be poisonous to myself, the things and feelings I left behind years ago but I really can’t control it. I just really want to say is that please don’t make someone your bff or close friend if you’re not going to love them for who they are.
PS no offence to anyone.
Everyone might have had a crush on that some guy or girl you are not suppose to like for some really terrifying reasons, reasons like, ‘He has a big ego’, ‘she has to much of an attitude’, ‘he is bad news’, ‘I am just not compatible for him/her because well I am ugly af’ or for some people ‘he/she is my bff’s bf/gf’ and well many more.
And then sometimes we fake whole situation of ‘omg! I hate him, he is ugly and totes bad news’ but what really goes inside your head is, ‘ooooemmmmmgeeeeee! He is so hot like soooooo freakinggggg hot. Just omgggggggg. Can’t take it.’ (Hormonal overdrive)
And then you start secretly developing this crush. You go with this constant stalking and hoping for them to notice you. You change you’re appearance and try to look a bit more attractive, I mean as much as you can because you know you don’t even have the ‘A’ from attractiveness. It’s a tough battle that you are never ever going to win because HE/SHE WILL NEVER NOTICE YOU.
And it’s painful and a total waste of time but hey, enjoy it as much as you can because it’s just a crush and you ain’t falling in love with that person. And if by any chance you think you are falling in love then, ‘bro, you need a doctor’.
You also need to move on because being stuck over someone is not a fun feeling. Also stalking someone to that level might also not be mentally healthy for you. 😉 JUST GET A LIFE. LOVE SOMEONE WHO NOTICES YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND NOT THE ARTIFICIAL THINGS ABOUT YOU.
PS – No I am not crushing anyone. Lol 😉
So there are times in your life when you go through this weird phase or moment where the people you love and trust the most might act up in a weird and revolting way by which they might hurt you and sabotage you’re trust complete.
This could literally happen to anyone and everyone reacts to it in a totally different way. In my situation, I act in a very negative way. For me trust is everything and if you break it, you might as well be dead for me. Forgiving someone is not in my nature and people keep asking me ‘why?’. They genuinely think that it’s stupid and unreasonably, that I try to create a big mess out of a small itty-bitty feud.
But for me it’s kind off like an defence mechanisms. I can’t forgive you and I can’t forget it. I can’t let it go and yes, I would distant myself from you because I don’t want to take any risks and maybe trust you again for you to fuck it over again. Yes, I know it might be immature and childish or whatever the hell you think it is. You have to understand everyone react differently according to their nature and past experiences.
And if you never really meant to hurt me in the way you did and are sorry for it then it’s best to give it some time and show that you are sorry rather than repeating it over and over by apologizing.
But hey, if you are lucky you might have a friend who is a bit more kinder then I am and might just forgive you in one go and if not then… well…
PS – Not trying to offend anyone with this post. XO
At this point in my life each and every one of my friend is dating and I am literally the only one who is not interested in it. I mean dating nowadays feels like a show of power more than love and affection. I am not a person who likes to live by the rules of others. I see my female friends asking for permissions of their boyfriends for silly things. I mean why? He is not your parent and he is definitely not the one who pays for your basic needs. You are your own self. I disagree with this whole business, it’s the 21th century in which we talk about how women are becoming independent and you guys are still living under the rule of a stupid teenage boy. I mean you are his partner, his equal and not his pet dog.
I think a good relationship is when your partner understands and respects your choices and doesn’t try to tie you down. A person who respects you enough to trust in your decision making power. That is what love is all about. Pushing each other to do better in their life rather than binding them to your wipe just so you could get the satisfaction of a boosted ego. I have seen girls who understand this simple rule and yet they still follow what he says like a trained dog.
And sometimes you see this scenario in guys; they follow the orders of their girlfriends without even thinking logically about it like a blind guy. Some of them are so smitten that they don’t even realize what’s right and what’s wrong. I mean, use your godammit brains people. Stop living under someone’s shadow and find a person who is strong enough to respect your life as much as he/she respects their own. Peace out.
When people say they believe in equality, they don’t really realize what equality means. Yes, I would agree to a fact that people in our society are a little more open minded and unorthodox then before when it comes to the issue of women rights but that doesn’t means that we are still there. One of the most basic example that we all as teenagers see in our day to day life is when a boy dates too many girls and has any type of sexual relationship with them then he is considered “cool”, “stud”, etc, etc. why isn’t he deemed as a slut or a whore. But if in his place it’s a woman then she is named as many as unholy words that are there in the universe.
I mean if you talk about equality then where is your equality in such cases. Why is the female always blamed for everything. And don’t pretend and be like, “I never thought that a boy who is basically a playboy is hot and a girl who is a “playgirl is a slut”. I mean it’s a stereotype in our society. But I think it is our responsibility to change this because we are the future. It is us who need to change such mistakes, to change such stereotypes and teach equality in a better way. I don’t mean that being a playboy or anything is a good thing. I mean, “Get a life dude, there is so much to life than just sex”. But in a certain age we all do it. All of us make mistake that we regret and that’s life but labeling someone with such cruel tags for such tribal reason because they belong to certain gender, caste, religion, etc is not right. I hope you all would just spread some love. Peace out.
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Do you have those horrible days when you don’t want to do anything at all? It feels like everything is falling apart and all you want to do is curl up in your bed. You don’t want to interact with anyone or have any kind of social relationship. You just want to cry and cry until this horrible feeling goes away. You just want to stay in your personal bubble because everything else is just annoying the shit out of you. You don’t even know what’s wrong with you but you just know that it’s not a very pleasant kind of a feeling. You just feeling extremely numb and like you could just break any possible second.
Personally I have been through it a lot of times than I’ll like to admit. I have had it for days or sometimes a whole month but I think it’s maybe because at some point in my life I was extremely depressed. Depression is a struggle much like being a drug addict is. It’s like it never truly goes away and any small irrelevant thing could trigger it back. It could lead to allot of things like self-harm and so on. It makes you so much angry, you don’t even know where this anger is coming from but it’s there and you don’t have a way of getting rid of it. So the only possible way you find is self-harm. It’s definitely a bad thing but most people don’t understand how bad it could be. People think its funny but it’s not.
The only way you could get out this by thinking about happy memories, try to paint a possible happy future for yourself. You can also joint therapy or whatever you think is bed for you. You just need to have hope. Hope is a very strong feeling could get you through all the possible difficult times in your life. Believe in yourself and learn to love yourself.
PS: If you need someone to talk to you can email me -email@example.com . I would love to help you out.
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You know that feeling when you are being ignored by your friends or classmates. When they look straight in your direction but they see a person besides you. The feeling when everyone ignores you while you are trying to tell them about an interesting incident that happened. It’s like you don’t even matter because they think that you just aren’t an interesting person. Sometimes this behaviors take a whole another level when they don’t even bother to pretend that they care about you and that hurts like a bitch. You just want to fit in and you are trying your very best to just finally blend in with everyone but no matter how hard you try, you keep failing. That’s when you start wondering whether there is something wrong with yourself but in reality it not you. It’s the friends you are making or maybe it’s just a small misunderstanding.
It’s not your fault really, either you are making the wrong kind of friends or you are just making things up in your mind. You need be friend with those who really care about you. You have to make sure that you are not forcing yourself into a group just so you can fit in. They might be ignoring you because they clearly don’t want you in their group. It is hard to be ignored but not being ignored is much easier. You should always stay with such people for whom your existence does matters.
But sometimes this rejection is just in your head. Some of us introverts have difficulty fitting in with the other kids. It’s not easy for us to make new friends because we are either very shy or we lack the skills of socialization. For us making friends feels like a very hard task. Some of us would rather prefer the fiction characters from our books on actual real people as our friends. This type of mentality makes us feel like nobody likes us and makes us feel rejected. Many of the times it’s just our brain playing games with us, making us feel that we are unwanted. I think everyone can make it through.
Everyone deserves friendship though whether it’s an easy or hard one. Everyone needs someone to share, love and of course have a few drinks with. I mean in the end humans are social animals.
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